#2 Treasures of darkness

“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3

this passage from Isaiah has sustained me in some of the darkest moments of my life. I'll never forget the first time I read it... it was like it was written for me in that exact moment.

I was experiencing a seemingly never-ending darkness - depression - which I could not make sense of. It seemed that no matter how hard I worked at my mental health, and no matter how hard I trusted and prayed, it appeared pointless. And yet, as I read the above words, I heard the promise of redemption, of some kind of fulfillment... and there was hope. I realised that it was in the very place of darkness and incomprehensible pain that the truth would be revealed.

I have caught glimpses of the promise since. I have known the beauty of hope and the refreshment of light. I have seen the fruits of my time of darkness and I have been grateful.

But the darkness creeps back in. And I am struggling to find the treasure.

#1 Light Outside

I decided last night that in an effort to get writing again I would challenge myself to write 10 blogs in the next 10 days.... and then today happened.... so I really don't feel like blogging or saying much out loud (aka in type) at all. But here goes.



Well, it not really a blog, but this song by one of my favourite bands - Wakey! Wakey! -has become an absolute haven for me this past year. It is a poignantly beautiful and hopeful song. It is a song about our need for each other, our need for the hope and grace that comes through (real) relationship.

And this song has taken on a whole different level because my dear friend, mentor and the man who, along with his family, 'saved' and cared for me in my darkest moments is facing a very uncertain future - and possibly his fourth brain surgery in 12 months. In my own pain and confusion I long to speak light and hope in a dark situation.

We all should....

Beauty will save the world

There is something so generous and hopeful and freeing about this quote. I don't fully understand or comprehend it.... but I want to.
I want to understand the richness of beauty, the power of beauty.
This quote reminds me of the cellist who chose to go into a bomb crater in Sarajevo day after day and play his cello while the war raged on around him.

And what does this mean for me? For us? How will this change the way I live? How do we contribute beauty to the world in our everyday lives?

"The Year of Journalling Fearlessly" by Lindsay Crandall

Recently I read "The Year of Journalling Fearlessly", a beautiful article by Lindsay Crandall at Curator Magazine and it moved, inspired and challenged me so much that I can't help but share.
Like Lindsay, I love notebooks, but haven't journalled in years. Yet over recent months I have been longing to write more and create more... to see more and document more as a way of stretching my writing... to open myself up to observing creativity and reveling in beauty. So the idea of a notebook without the pressure of a traditional journal was appealing.
So today I stopped by my favourite new bookstore near work - Kinokuniya - and purchased a bright red, blank page, hardcover Moleskine.
Armed with my favourite fine tip blue pen, I'm going to start filling the pages with the things that inspire me, the quotes that move me, and the thoughts that fill me days.
And as the Henri Nouwen quote suggests, I want to "discover what lives in us."

Resolutions Schmesolutions

During a road trip in the final days of 2010, a friend asked me if I was going to make new years resolutions.

1^st response: cynical laughter.

2^nd response: No! If the last few years have taught me anything, it’s not to make plans – life changes them anyway!

And now my 3^rd response: I’m a planner. I like making lists. I prefer predictability.... and I struggle with change.

But the reality is that life happens. I get Glandular Fever and Post-Viral Syndrome. My mentor suffers a massive stroke and endures multiple brain surgeries. The medication that helps manage long-term Depression, robs me of the ability to concentrate for long periods of time (making study and my love of reading difficult activities).

And so how can I reconcile these things and look ahead to the new year of 2011?

I am reminded of the old Carolyn Arends songs New Year’s Day; while slightly corny, it is definitely profound. After suggesting that we treat every day like it’s a new year’s day, the bridge says:

Every day is...
one more chance to start all over
one more chance to change and grow
one more chance to grab a hold of grace
and never let it go
New Year's Day - Carolyn Arends 1997

Perhaps in reflecting on the year that’s been and planning for the year ahead I should focus more on my hopes and dreams, my ability to grow and adapt and transform the way I see myself and the world and the God who created it all.

I’m not sure yet how to achieve this... there is still plenty of things I’d like to accomplish this year (finally finish my BA for instance!). But I’d like to resolve to LIVE more, to see beauty, seek justice, be intentional in my relationships, be creative... and when unexpected things come along to embrace them, experience and grow through them.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

P.S. Of course, I couldn't resist, and in the last few days have jotted down a number of goals for 2011! But I hope I can be more lenient with them. I don't want to measure my success or failure in 2011 simply by whether I achieved my goals or not.

I am but a pencil...

I started in a new job recently. And like most people in a new role, I’ve had my fair share of doubts and meltdowns over the last few weeks. Why on earth did they hire me? When will they realise how bad I am at this job? Do they remember that I’m not technically qualified for this role, and I’m figuring it out as I go??

At the same time, however, I have been able to regularly remind myself that I am blessed. I have been chosen to be a part of an organisation that I whole-heartedly believe in, and do a job I never imagined I would have the chance to do. That is, combine my two loves of writing and social justice.

As a communications coordinator, will I be able to sufficiently put into words and design the importance of Jesus’ mission for justice, love and grace in our world; the importance of thoughtful development and missiology; the vital role we, the church, must play in speaking and acting against injustice, poverty, colonialism, empire and the oppression of others? And do my words honour the God whose kingdom I am trying to describe and live out?

And in my personal writing, how do I illustrate the hope and grace I have experienced? How do I make sense of the beauty in the chaos and brokenness?

Amongst all these thoughts, I came across this beautiful quote recently:

I am but a pencil in the hand of a writing God – Mother Teresa

And my perspective changed! I am reminded that the God I believe in is so much more creative and mysterious then I can ever fathom! I am but a small instrument in God’s display to His creation. My challenge is to remain faithful to God’s voice and movements in my life, to the lessons I’ve learned, the realities I see. And then to allow God to speak and move through the words I write.

I love to write.... and I pray God does the writing....

Paying attention #2

A few weeks back I wrote about paying attention. I described a new phase I am in, a new way of seeing that I am trying to instill in myself. This quote from Frederick Buechner sums up beautifully what I have experiencing and living these last few months...

pay attention to the world and all that dwells therein and thereby learn at last to pay attention to yourself and all that dwells within.... Literature, painting, music - the most basic lesson that all art teaches us is to stop, look and listen to life on this planet, including our own lives, as a vastly richer, deeper, more mysterious business than most of the time it ever occurs to us to suspect as we bumble along from day to day on automatic pilot. In a world that for the most part steers clear of the whole idea of holiness, art is one of the few places left where we can speak to each other of holy things..... If we are to love God, we must first stop, look, and listen for him in what is happening around us and inside of us. If we are to love our neighbors, before doing anything else we must see our neighbors. With our imagination as well as our eyes, that is to say like artists, we must see not just their faces but the life behind and within their faces. Here it is love that is the frame we see them in. From 'Art' in Whistling in the Dark by Frederick Buechner (pg 15-17)

Each day I seek to pay attention to the world around me in creative ways; to see things in new frames. I see beauty and mystery and chaos and pain. I see brokenness and transformation. And yet when the injustices, the politics, the immensity of non-grace might overwhelm me, when I begin to find within myself the same chaos and brokenness, I look to find the glimpses of mystery and grace. I look to find the holy in the commonplace.
I revel in the rich complexity of words in an Emily Dickinson poem. I marvel in the power of a single photograph to capture an entire story. I take the time to sit with a friend and speak of truthfulness and love and hope. I find therapy in the preparation of a wholesome meal.

This new way of seeing has been particularly helpful as I have begun work in communications with a church-based NGO who is seeking to alleviate injustice, transform communities and engage the Church in this mandate. I am trying everyday to see people with my imagination, to see their stories as well as their faces. I am conscious that how I communicate - whether it be through words or photos or design - should speak of truth and grace. I want to allow people to see the world in new frames, to 'see' people from places unknown with imagination.

I long to be creative and to witness creativity as a way of entering in to the mystery of being, the holiness of our world and the God who created all these things.

Songbird

I heard this song (and this artist) for the first time today, and it blew me away! It is so beautiful! It's one of those songs that I wish I'd written because it seems to sum up so perfectly so much of what's in my head and heart... but couldn't quite articulate.

Songbird

I want to be a songbird
And I want to sit on the tallest branch of the tallest tree
And I want to sing lullabies to Earth as she cries
But I really want to try and make her laugh.
I want to be a songbird

And I want to watch sunrise
With my love by my side
And I want to grow and I want to learn
I want a fire and I want to burn
I want to rise and I want to fall
I want to run and I want to crawl.
I want to be a songbird

And I just want to try to know how far and deep and wide
This love is that you give cuz that’s what it is to really live
To just try and look around
See when our breaths and hear you in our sounds
I want to be a songbird

Go thru things that I need
Make me hurt and make me bleed
Cuz I will arise and see the light
I’ll pray my way through the night
And I want to be a songbird

And I want to sing lullabies to Earth as she cries
But I really want to try and make her laugh
How you made me laugh
You made me laugh.

Take the strings and the things I use to tie me to the ground
Let them all be gone
I want to be a songbird.
- Jillian Edwards

Check out her album/ep 'Galaxies and Such' on itunes, Myspace, or CDBaby; or watch a live performance.

Good friends help us bounce back

October is Mental Health Month in Australia.

Mental health is an issue close to my heart. Not only have I suffered from Major Depression (formerly known as Clinical Depression) and anxiety for over 10 years, but I have watched as family and friends have journeyed through Anorexia, Bulimia, Bipolar Disorder, Dissociative Disorder, Depression and Anxiety disorders.

The reason awareness of mental illness needs to be raised is that while it is now one of the most debilitating illnesses facing society, it is also one of the most misunderstood and incorrectly treated - medically and socially. Sadly, I have often found that the Church is particularly unsympathetic and continues to espouse many false ideas about the issues surrounding mental health.

The two major realities are that:

• One out of every five Australians [about 20%] will experience some form of mental illness each year. Three out of every ten [about 3 %] will be seriously affected.
• Only one third of people (34.9%) with a mental health disorder used health services for their mental health problem. Mental Health Council of Australia

One of the major reasons that two-thirds of sufferers don't seek help is the stigma and lack of understanding associated with mental illness. But the fact is that mental disorders are indeed an illness AND just like illnesses such as diabetes or heart disease, they are totally treatable.

The Mental Health Association NSW has chosen for their slogan this October, "Good friends help us bounce back." I love this phrase for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, sharing a mental illness or struggle with someone can often be the first step in breaking the stronghold that it has on your life. Whether you seek help from a professional doctor or psychologist, or simply confide in your friend, change and hope will seem more achievable with someone alongside you.

Secondly, this phrase sums up perfectly the key to my personal recovery. Without the love and encouragement of a faithful group of friends, I would not be where I am today. I have been greatly blessed by people willing to wade into my darkness, sit with me, challenge me, cry with me, pray with me and remind me of hope when I have none.

Mental health issues are a prison that so many don't know how to escape. If you know someone today who is struggling, reach out to them; tell them they are not alone and that there is help and hope available. If you are struggling and feel that there is no hope, dare to reach out and seek help.

Here are just some of the great web resources on mental health:
Sane
beyondblue
Mental Health Association NSW

God bruise our heels

The new Jars of Clay album is amazing. Just when I think they can't get musically or lyrically better... they do. And because the new album is all about community, I already loved it before I'd even heard it.

The lyric that has been rolling around my head the most this week is this:

So God, bruise the heels we've dug in the ground
That we might move closer to love

It is always such a challenge to allow God to move us from where we are comfortable; whether that be in our actions, theology, doctrines or relationships. But the example that I see Christ setting is one of love above all else.
I can hold on to my beliefs and my interpretations of scripture and I can question people who don't see things the same way. But if I 'dig my heels in' and hold on to these things above loving that person in grace and mercy, then I've lost sight of Jesus' call on my life.
I know that far too often I need God to bruise the heels I've dug in the ground. May we love each other enough not to dig in our heels; and when we do, lovingly nudge each other to free them and find grace.