Saturday, June 19, 2010

"Just showed up for my own life"

I've spent large portions of my life waiting. Waiting for something better, the next thing. Waiting for my real life to start.

"When I finish my university degree...."
"When I get healthier...."
"When I find a soul mate...."

I'm always planning to start living when I get things together. But unfortunately things never seem to get together!

This predicament has revealed itself to me in the last twelve months in a number of ways.

For the past twelve months I have been attempting to finish my final two semesters of a university degree. It has been a hard slog; what is a three-year degree has taken me four-and-a-half years (and looks like it could take longer)! In my home stretch, whilst battling a bout of Glandular Fever and the community around me is suffering through many difficulties, I've spent a lot of time contemplating the future. I've allowed myself to dream and plan and even occasionally take risks; all very new actions for me! I have for the first time, in a very long time, begun to feel inspired - about life and faith, about beauty and creativity, about injustice and speaking out. I've begun to be inspired to live! For someone who has spent the better part of the last fifteen years depressed, negative and doubtful, this is rather miraculous.

And yet I've caught myself thinking, "I'll do that when I can finish my degree, or when there is less drama happening around me, or when I feel less tired". While each of these things are justifiable reasons not to write a blog/write, or be involved in a protest or volunteer in my community, they are also not reasons to stop living each moment like it really matters.

Now I am facing the possibility that I have not completed my degree, my health has not improved and I have wasted many inspired moments thinking I should be doing something else or being somewhere else.

About a month ago my dear friend and mentor, my spiritual dad of sorts, suffered a massive seizure caused by a brain hemorrhage. In the past four weeks he has endured multiple seizures, two brain surgeries and a stroke. Praise God, he is now recovering and doing incredibly well all things considered. But the crisis shook me. This is a man who has seized life with both hands. A man of God who has taken great risks and attempts to live each day with great integrity. Whilst navigating all the emotions and challenges of the last month, I am most confronted about my lack of living!

So now, while I am on a break from study and awaiting news on job prospects, I am determined to set about the business of living! I want to be inspired - I want to read as much as I can; write whenever I feel words come; listen to great music; enjoy conversations with friends and family; drink good coffee and wine; cook good food; speak my mind about things that matter; cry with those in pain and laugh with those in joy; I want to walk in the beautiful bush and mountains surrounding me.

I'm reminded of the great Saint Irenaeus quote "The glory of God is man fully alive."

And maybe as I live life to the full I'll finish my university degree and get healthier and one day find a soul mate! Until that day I'll show up to the life I've been given.

Just showed up for my own life
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in a shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the commonplace
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

By Sara Groves (From the album "Add to the Beauty")