On Packing Light

I am notorious for packing heavy. I am the girl who always has one of almost anything you might ever need. Sometimes I blame this on my time as a nanny (Mary Poppins bag and all that), but the truth is I was like this long before I started work.

So imagine my sense of great achievement when I set off last Friday for a three-day weekend away with only one duffel and my handbag. I know, I know, that’s a normal amount of luggage right?!

But it was all the more notable because I had just finished reading Allison Vesterfelt’s inspired book ‘Packing Light’.

I am a sucker for a good road trip story. I still harbour the slightly odd dream of driving across America (I probably should start with Australia, but I feel America calling). So I picked up a copy of the audiobook for free on Noisetrade a little while back (you can still get a free sampler there). But this book is so much more than just the story of Ally and Sharaya’s roadtrip. It is a reflection about the decisions we make in life and what we carry on our journeys— both metaphorical and physical. And while Allison doesn’t use this descriptive, the story is about being brave.

“You don’t have to go. You can stay home. It’s up to you. But if you let fear stop you from doing what you really want to do, you’ll regret that forever.” 

Allison writes with such clarity about that stage in your twenties and early thirties of trying to figure out where you are going and what you want from life. Whether you struggle with the same questions as Ally- singleness, financial security, vocation- you can still learn so much from these reflections.

As the pair of friends attempt to journey across all fifty states of America, Ally grows and learns how to pack; what to bring, what to leave behind and what to let go of along the way— whether they be expectations or dreams or difficult decisions made with the best intentions. And there is hope. The further along the road they travel, clarity arrives and peace becomes more present. The bravery of launching out is rewarded with freedom and new, better things.

I have so much to learn about packing light, both physically and metaphorically. Allison’s book has shaken me well out of my comfort and prodded me on my own journey. I'll probably always struggles to pack light when traveling, but I hope I can learn to live life with a little less baggage too.

Living bravely and why I choose to write

Yesterday writing felt intoxicating and joyous. Today it feels terrifying. The artist's life. 
(A Facebook status I posted earlier this week) 

I am a living paradox. I hate change. I struggle with uncertainty. Yet at the start of this year I decided to live BRAVE. I also quit my steady job and enrolled to study Creative Writing full-time.

This somewhat crazy decision has resulted in a tumultuous few months for me. I have retreated into my shell as I have been trying to make my way through severe doubts about my capabilities as a human. Not to mention extreme moodiness and depression.

I really do not deal all that well with change! I envy my friends that thrive on challenges and change. I want to keep moving in my life. I just don’t want to have to move to do it! I therefore have not put hand to keyboard to reflect on my year of brave, as much I had hoped I would. I was too busy struggling to get up each morning to think about being brave.

As I have settled into some rhythms with study and life, freedom and enjoyment have snuck back in. While the work that I am doing terrifies me some days, it enlivens me and brings me so much hope on others. Thankfully more and more of the latter as the days go by.

I am braving the steps of workshopping pieces of my writing in class, trying to write for publication and tackling personal issues in my writing. Some days, as in the day I posted the above status, I second guess myself and feel paralysed by the fear that I have nothing of worth to say. I am learning how normal that is for so many writers and other creatives. I am learning the importance of having like-minded fellow travellers along the journey; to build up a community of people who genuinely love you and support your work around you. It is important to risk using your voice to receive feedback from others who can sharpen and challenge you along your journey too.

Mostly, I am enjoying that journey. I am blessed by the days I am reminded that I do have something that needs to be said… and I want to say it. And so do you, each and every one of you! 

Today that reminder came through listening again to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Opening Address to the 2009 Sydney Writers Festival. You can download a podcast version on the festivals website.

It was this speech on ‘The Danger of a Single Story’ that began to reawaken in me a desire to connect with my creativity. At the time I was studying International Development because I felt compelled to do something of purpose with my life and I thought that required helping people in the area. But then I heard this smart and sassy woman, with an undergraduate degree in politics and communication talking about the importance of telling stories and something broke in me. I am forever grateful.

A shorter version of the talk is available through TEDtalks. Take some time to watch it and be reminded of the power of stories. 

I'm Alison and I'm a recovering creative

I came home from an Artist’s Way meeting last night on an incredible high. I felt at home. I felt I was exactly where God wanted me. I felt alive.

I have missed community. I have missed connecting on that deeper level with others in an intentional way. A group of women, sitting together in a living room, sipping wine, sharing stories, laughing and listening to each other.

I woke up this morning and slammed straight into a wall of self-loathing and a head full of ‘you’re a pathetic human who can’t get your shit together’ trains of thought.

Ouch.

But I’m pretty sure they are related.

I have spent much of my life running from my creativity or just denying it even exists. I wrote prolifically as a child and well into my teens. I wrote stories and poetry, journalled almost everyday from thirteen to eighteen and sporadically through my twenties. But as I grew older the writing got darker and more hopeless. I think I really stopped writing because it required me to engage and acknowledge what I was feeling or struggling with emotionally and mentally. And even though I saw counsellors, psychologists and doctors throughout my twenties I, for various reasons, worked on my recovery and mental health at arms length. Writing was too painful, and I suspect, would have required harder work than I thought possible.

But I began to change that story a while ago when, in the midst of a breakdown, I chose to acknowledge my creativity and see it as a means to recovery. I eventually quit my job in order to explore what it would look like to be a ‘writer’ for a living. And in recent months I have made serious attempts to engage with my creativity in intentional ways- including joining a group to work through The Artist’s Way together and reading various other books on creativity.

Through this intentional work though, deep emotions and thought processes that I have been hiding from and that remain unresolved, have reared their ugly heads time and again. Every time I make progress in embracing my gifts and moving forward with the work I feel called to do, the enemies of self-doubt, perfectionism and self-sabotage march in fast.

So this morning as soon as I’d finished my morning cup of tea and bowl of cereal, I found myself lying curled up on the couch feeling rather sorry for myself and wondering how on earth to get up again. But my kind housemate made me a cup of tea and told me to get up and write something, anything, anyway.

And so here we are.

Being creative is scary. Living the life we were given well is scary. Having to live with the reality of my emotions and moods and the general chaos of our existence is hard work. But I’m learning that if I want a meaningful and free life then choosing to be creative, and in the process embracing that reality, is the only way.

In her book A Million Little Ways, Emily P. Freeman says:

“Christ is in you and wants to come out through you in a million little ways- through your strength and also your weakness, your abilities and also your lack.

I call it art, someone else calls it rubbish.

So what?

Call it what you will. God calls us his poem. And the job of the poem is to inspire. To sing. To express the full spectrum of human experience- both the bright hope that comes with victory and the profound loss that accompanies defeat.

We must make art, even in our weakness. If we don’t, we are denying ourselves, in turn, we will deny everyone else ourselves as well.” (page 168)

I want to be brave. I want to choose to be creative. I want to choose to pay attention to this life I’m living.

So I got up and wrote this blog post.

2014

BRAVE

When my one word for 2014 first came to me, I blew it off. It couldn’t be my word, it was too close to fearless my word for 2013.

But it kept coming back to me. Brave.

And I realised that it was actually a profoundly logical step.

Fearless is working to stop the power of a negative feeling or action. Brave is taking a positive step forward, it's taking a risk. In my mind, one word is rooted in the negative and the other in the positive.

As someone who has lived bound in the negative for so much of my life, I long for, I crave, the positive. I am desperate for forward motion in my days. And I know that the likelihood is that I’m my own worst enemy in this regard.

So I need a reminder. Something to push me beyond myself. Something to spur me on in my seeking to be authentic. And the year of fearless was quite successful. Bloody hard, but as far as personal growth goes, successful. So what if I choose to take the positive step. What if my #ONEWORD365 was: Brave?

And I’m already planning a couple of risk taking adventures…

Applying for graduate study

Maybe taking a trip outside Australia

Hopefully finding new work

Possibly getting involved in a new church

(With a little trepidation) I look forward to what 2014 has in store for me and where God might be moving in my life.

I'll let you know!