Words and I

No words.

So many thoughts

conflicting emotions

overwhelming chaos.

No words.

For the pain I see

in others, in me

in the world.

Words

are the only way

to make sense

to pray

to begin to tell the stories

that need to be heard.

Words.

A blank page.

My voice

is all I have.

Words

To give.

Words for Wednesday

 "You want to know the meaning of life? This is your highest calling: You are called into the dynamic co-creation of the cosmos. This breath is your canvas and brush. These are the raw materials for your art, for the life you are making. Nothing is off limits. Your backyard, your piano, your paintbrush, your conversation, Rwanda, New Orleans, Iraq, your marriage, your soul. You're making a living with every step you take."
- Jon Foreman (Quoted in A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman, pg. 11)

2014

BRAVE

When my one word for 2014 first came to me, I blew it off. It couldn’t be my word, it was too close to fearless my word for 2013.

But it kept coming back to me. Brave.

And I realised that it was actually a profoundly logical step.

Fearless is working to stop the power of a negative feeling or action. Brave is taking a positive step forward, it's taking a risk. In my mind, one word is rooted in the negative and the other in the positive.

As someone who has lived bound in the negative for so much of my life, I long for, I crave, the positive. I am desperate for forward motion in my days. And I know that the likelihood is that I’m my own worst enemy in this regard.

So I need a reminder. Something to push me beyond myself. Something to spur me on in my seeking to be authentic. And the year of fearless was quite successful. Bloody hard, but as far as personal growth goes, successful. So what if I choose to take the positive step. What if my #ONEWORD365 was: Brave?

And I’m already planning a couple of risk taking adventures…

Applying for graduate study

Maybe taking a trip outside Australia

Hopefully finding new work

Possibly getting involved in a new church

(With a little trepidation) I look forward to what 2014 has in store for me and where God might be moving in my life.

I'll let you know!

Soundtrack for the year of Fearless....

If you've known me for a little while, you'll know how important music is to me. Music is such a vital part of how I heal and grow and have fun.

So I thought I'd share with you the top songs that have seen me through 2013 and the year of living fearlessly.

#1 Brave - Sara Bareilles

This song became our house anthem a couple of months ago. It has been played very loud, on repeat for hours. My two lovely housemates and I have all had a challenging year.... we shared the same common experience of daring to speak out in our old community and ended up being ostracised for it. Enough said. This song reminds us to keep going...

#2 This is not the end - Gungor

This is not the end
This is not the end of us
We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

During one of the darkest, longest weekends this past year, when my dear friends life was falling apart, I heard this song. I had been listening to the album 'Ghosts Upon The Earth' for a few months but it was at that particular time and space that this song leaped out at me. It gave me the hope to keep hoping and the words to keep praying over my friend. 
When I am fearful of the present, I know this is not the end. 
You can check out some of Lisa Gungor's reflections on this song here.

#3 Everything Will Change - Derek Webb
Derek Webb is probably the most fearless artist and musician whose work I follow.
His 2013 offering 'I was wrong, I'm sorry & I love you' was no exception.

It was like these lyrics were written directly for me. Derek calls this his protest song against cynicism. And that is something I have definitely needed this year!

#4 I was wrong, I'm sorry and I love you - Derek Webb

One of the biggest lessons I learnt in 2013 was the importance of humility and grace in relationship. Its seems an obvious one.... but I've discovered it doesn't always come naturally or easy (imagine that!?).
I think that is why I love this song so much. It recognises that often the most freeing thing we can do is to own our mistakes. The most Christ-like examples I have witnessed in relationship are those who are knowledgable and yet willing to name what they do not know. That is being fearless in our culture.

#5 A little bit of love - Katie Herzig 

When my two lovely friends and I moved into our new house in September we called it maison de l'amour. After the pain we had been through together in our previous house, we wanted a new chapter, we wanted to be defined by love. Because of all the unlovely things that I witnessed this year... I decided this was the perfect (unofficial) anthem for our new little home.

#6 Every teardrop is a waterfall - Coldplay

This song just makes me want to dance.... and sometimes that's just what we need to gather the courage and energy to keep moving through life.
I remember attending a rooftop party at my old house earlier this year. My friends and I had this song playing loud and I sung out the words "So you can hurt, hurt me bad/But still I'll raise the flag" on top of that home that had beautiful and painful memories. That night I wanted to reclaim my strength in spite of the pain caused by my church. It was a beautiful, albeit bitterweet, moment.

--------
And incidentally, I think this soundtrack will continue to be important as I embrace a year of Brave. But more about that in the next few days...

Fearless is....

Fearless is joining a dating website after years of being cajoled by friends and family.

Fearless is speaking out about difficulties with people and groups in positions of power or influence when you think there are people being manipulated, abused or neglected

Fearless is continuing to speak out against abuses of power despite intimidation, because you know it is right and you have a voice.

Fearless is standing firm in your convictions in the face of bullying, rejection and even eviction from your home and community.

Fearless is believing in the God of hope and redemption even when you begin to lose your faith in the humanity and love of the Church.

Fearless is choosing not to believe you an unworthy part of God’s family.

Fearless is being gripped by the depths of grief- be it for a loved one or a situation- yet still choosing to wake up each day and take a new breath.

Fearless is moving alone to a suburb that has a notorious reputation.

Fearless is finally finishing a BA after six and a half years, despite multiple life-changing events and struggles.

Fearless is having a go at a job you have dreamed about doing, but have no idea if you can.

Fearless is purchasing your first tent and going camping for a whole weekend at a musical festival… when you have an aversion to mess and dirt and disorder. (and Fearless are the long-suffering friends who go camping with such a weirdo!)

Fearless is walking with a dear friend through their darkest valleys, no matter what.

Fearless is praying when all logic and reason says give up.

Fearless is being willing to say "I was wrong, I’m sorry and I love you".

Fearless is being humble in a world that demands ego.

Fearless is knowing when to speak up and when to quiet down to listen.

Fearless is seeing hope and possibility in the next moment.

Fearless is choosing to believe in yourself when all you’ve ever felt is unlovable.

Fearless is choosing to love. Period.

---------
A year ago I decided that I my resolution for 2013 was one word: Fearless.

I had a vague notion of pushing myself to be less trapped by fear in making decisions in my life. I had no idea that 2013 would become a fight. A struggle. A giant lesson in remaining fearless in the face of injustice, rejection, tragedy and the constant barrage of what life sometimes throws at you.

At the end of 2013, and in my weary state, I want to claim these lessons I have learnt about being fearless.

I Spy Beauty...

A (sometimes) weekly post about beauty seen, heard or discovered 

This is not the end
This is not the end of this
We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last
This is not our last breath
We will open our mouths wide, wider

And you know you’ll be alright
Oh and you know you’ll be alright

This is not the end
This is not the end of us
We will shine like the stars bright, brighter
This is Not the End by Gungor (Copyright 2011)

I've been watching from afar as the community I grew up in has been battered by devastation. Fire came quickly with no warning, tearing apart peoples homes and memories. Hundreds are living with a real and present danger of even further destruction. The sun is glowing orangey-red in a haze of smoke. The long weeks of bushfire season still lay ahead.

I watch as friends, families, communities bear together. I hear stories of immense generosity, of care, of the hospitality of all the saints. 

This is not the end.

I sit with a friend in the deepest of pain. Life does not go to plan. No amount of empathy can alleviate the agony.

We sit. Tears. Silence. Quiet words of encouragement. Overwhelming anxiety. Hugs. More silence. More tears.

Pain and injustice and betrayal comes in threes and fours and fives it seems.

This is not the end, this is not the end of us.

It seems I can never stop questioning the whys and whens and how will we survive.

But because this is not the end....

We will shine like the stars bright, brighter.

Thank you God.

 http://gungormusic.com/

Words for Wednesday

"The answer must be, I think, that beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them. The least we can do is try to be there....

....I walk out; I see something, some event that would otherwise have been utterly missed and lost; or something sees me, some enormous power brushes me with its clean wing, and I resound like a beaten bell....

....Something pummels us, something barely sheathed. Power broods and lights. We're played on like a pipe; our breath is not our own."

- Annie Dillard from Pilgrim at Tinker Creek (1974; pages 10,14,15)

I Spy Beauty...

A (sometimes) weekly post of beauty seen, heard or discovered

The last few months have mostly felt like random glimpses of colour in a great big grey cloud. It has been a rather disorientating experience. I'm no stranger to darkness and grey. I know the path of struggle and hope quite well. But the most recent confluence of circumstances have rocked me to the core of my being- my sense of self, my place in this world, my faith in humanity.

So I went to the beach for a few days this week. Because the beach is my escape, the place I know I can breathe and find peace and gather just a little more strength to keep going. I am immeasurably blessed with dear friends and mentors who not only love me and care for me, but who own a beautiful little caravan a few hundred metres from a South Coast beach.

Afternoon walks on the beach in the winter sun are quite magical really. I found a large piece of driftwood and sat down to think and pray awhile. I was marvelling at the beautiful colours all around me.... thanking God for afternoons like this that remind me of beauty and hope and His presence. And then I looked up to see this....  

  

Only a tiny grey cloud above a big colourful beach. 

Beauty and hope.

I Spy Beauty...

A (sometimes) weekly post of beauty seen, heard or discovered

Once again, darkness and struggle make it difficult to see beauty.

When I am struggling to sleep there are certain tunes that soothe and help me to fall asleep.... Jon Foreman's Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring EP's are my current favourites. This week I have played "The Cure For The Pain" (from the Fall EP) countless times....

I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away
But the water keeps on falling from my tries

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
A lie to run, it would be a lie
It would be a lie to run away

It keeps on falling (x4)
Water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away
(The Cure For The Pain copyright Jon Foreman)

Maybe this song doesn't seem particularly encouraging to you, but one thing I have learnt this week: the time comes, some days, when the cure for the pain is to run right on into it.

In a number of ways over the past week, I have been gently reminded that facing pain and disappointment is what allows us to move beyond it.

The present pain might be... well, painful. But I've heard the promise that beauty rises from ashes, so I'm not going to run away.

Words for Wednesday

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

Psalm 46

(From Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation, 12 June 2013)