Soundtrack for the year of Fearless....

If you've known me for a little while, you'll know how important music is to me. Music is such a vital part of how I heal and grow and have fun.

So I thought I'd share with you the top songs that have seen me through 2013 and the year of living fearlessly.

#1 Brave - Sara Bareilles

This song became our house anthem a couple of months ago. It has been played very loud, on repeat for hours. My two lovely housemates and I have all had a challenging year.... we shared the same common experience of daring to speak out in our old community and ended up being ostracised for it. Enough said. This song reminds us to keep going...

#2 This is not the end - Gungor

This is not the end
This is not the end of us
We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

During one of the darkest, longest weekends this past year, when my dear friends life was falling apart, I heard this song. I had been listening to the album 'Ghosts Upon The Earth' for a few months but it was at that particular time and space that this song leaped out at me. It gave me the hope to keep hoping and the words to keep praying over my friend. 
When I am fearful of the present, I know this is not the end. 
You can check out some of Lisa Gungor's reflections on this song here.

#3 Everything Will Change - Derek Webb
Derek Webb is probably the most fearless artist and musician whose work I follow.
His 2013 offering 'I was wrong, I'm sorry & I love you' was no exception.

It was like these lyrics were written directly for me. Derek calls this his protest song against cynicism. And that is something I have definitely needed this year!

#4 I was wrong, I'm sorry and I love you - Derek Webb

One of the biggest lessons I learnt in 2013 was the importance of humility and grace in relationship. Its seems an obvious one.... but I've discovered it doesn't always come naturally or easy (imagine that!?).
I think that is why I love this song so much. It recognises that often the most freeing thing we can do is to own our mistakes. The most Christ-like examples I have witnessed in relationship are those who are knowledgable and yet willing to name what they do not know. That is being fearless in our culture.

#5 A little bit of love - Katie Herzig 

When my two lovely friends and I moved into our new house in September we called it maison de l'amour. After the pain we had been through together in our previous house, we wanted a new chapter, we wanted to be defined by love. Because of all the unlovely things that I witnessed this year... I decided this was the perfect (unofficial) anthem for our new little home.

#6 Every teardrop is a waterfall - Coldplay

This song just makes me want to dance.... and sometimes that's just what we need to gather the courage and energy to keep moving through life.
I remember attending a rooftop party at my old house earlier this year. My friends and I had this song playing loud and I sung out the words "So you can hurt, hurt me bad/But still I'll raise the flag" on top of that home that had beautiful and painful memories. That night I wanted to reclaim my strength in spite of the pain caused by my church. It was a beautiful, albeit bitterweet, moment.

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And incidentally, I think this soundtrack will continue to be important as I embrace a year of Brave. But more about that in the next few days...

Fearless is....

Fearless is joining a dating website after years of being cajoled by friends and family.

Fearless is speaking out about difficulties with people and groups in positions of power or influence when you think there are people being manipulated, abused or neglected

Fearless is continuing to speak out against abuses of power despite intimidation, because you know it is right and you have a voice.

Fearless is standing firm in your convictions in the face of bullying, rejection and even eviction from your home and community.

Fearless is believing in the God of hope and redemption even when you begin to lose your faith in the humanity and love of the Church.

Fearless is choosing not to believe you an unworthy part of God’s family.

Fearless is being gripped by the depths of grief- be it for a loved one or a situation- yet still choosing to wake up each day and take a new breath.

Fearless is moving alone to a suburb that has a notorious reputation.

Fearless is finally finishing a BA after six and a half years, despite multiple life-changing events and struggles.

Fearless is having a go at a job you have dreamed about doing, but have no idea if you can.

Fearless is purchasing your first tent and going camping for a whole weekend at a musical festival… when you have an aversion to mess and dirt and disorder. (and Fearless are the long-suffering friends who go camping with such a weirdo!)

Fearless is walking with a dear friend through their darkest valleys, no matter what.

Fearless is praying when all logic and reason says give up.

Fearless is being willing to say "I was wrong, I’m sorry and I love you".

Fearless is being humble in a world that demands ego.

Fearless is knowing when to speak up and when to quiet down to listen.

Fearless is seeing hope and possibility in the next moment.

Fearless is choosing to believe in yourself when all you’ve ever felt is unlovable.

Fearless is choosing to love. Period.

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A year ago I decided that I my resolution for 2013 was one word: Fearless.

I had a vague notion of pushing myself to be less trapped by fear in making decisions in my life. I had no idea that 2013 would become a fight. A struggle. A giant lesson in remaining fearless in the face of injustice, rejection, tragedy and the constant barrage of what life sometimes throws at you.

At the end of 2013, and in my weary state, I want to claim these lessons I have learnt about being fearless.

The year of living... Jealously?!

A few days ago a dear and talented friend told me about her current plans post graduation this year. I was taken by surprise- it is a gutsy and bold move that she's thinking on. One which will take her on many adventures.

And I started to get a bit sad (or cranky, I'm not really sure).

Part of the conversation went something like this:

Me: Why does everyone have to make all these big plans and leave me in boring old Sydney.
Friend: Sorry, but I like change.
Me: I HATE change. I run full tilt in the opposite direction from anything remotely change-like.

Later, I was thinking about my reaction and current penchant for self-pity about my situation (30, single, still no BA, negligible savings and a too-vague plan about becoming a writer).

The epiphany: I'm jealous!

Not of this specific friend, I wouldn't dare attempt what she is thinking of doing. But if I'm honest, the sadness I get when hearing about friends adventures, accomplishments, travels etc is just a little bit of jealousy. (Just for the record, I am also happy for and proud of my friends!)

I've been struggling with and thinking a lot lately about the zig-zaggy pattern of my young adult life. The disappointment I feel. The comparisons I continually make between my own twenties and that of friends taking more logical, straightforward paths. So many of my plans were waylaid by illness, crisis' and pains.

That's a lot of time thinking and a not a lot of time living!

And it doesn't really fit in with my word for 2013: fearless.

When I chose that word in January I knew what I was getting myself in for. I knew my fear and the way it can numb me to the point of inaction. And yet the first few months of this year have been so unsettling and difficult that being or doing something new (or brave) has seemed impossible.

And this thought reminded of something Sarah Bessey, one of my favourite bloggers, said on facebook earlier this year:

Yes, I have some hard work to do when it comes to achieving my goals, overcoming my tendencies to fear and accepting my own story. But Sarah challenges me to be mindful of the present, and to be present.

Which also reminds me of a Sara Groves song (what a surprise!), I Just Showed Up For My Own Life:

I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
Copyright Sara Groves & Joel Hanson from the album Add to the Beauty

In order to 'work' at being fearless, I must first show up. I must seek, in this day, to love and show grace, to find beauty in the everyday and be mindful.

So, the cure for my jealousy.... Live my own life! Not particularly profound, I know. But an important lesson I'll probably be learning everyday for quite a while.

It is already looking a bit brighter.

Fearless

Yes, that is a Taylor Swift album/song. But no, that's not what I'm referring to.

Although come to think of it, I wouldn't mind being brave enough to "dance in a storm in my best dress - Fearless" (Taylor Swift, 'Fearless').

Fearless.

One word for 2013. My word for 2013.

I've realised recently how much I live in fear. Not that heightened senses, survival-instinct type fear, but rather an insidious, ingrained fear that dictates how I think and move in this world. A fear I hadn't realised pervaded so much of my thoughts and choices.

I don't deal well with change; I fear it.

I don't try new things very often. (Even rather pathetic 'new things' such as different food or different places to visit!)

I can't remember the last time I danced where anyone else could see me. For fear of... I'm not really sure what.

I tell people that I have no desire to travel. But really I do, it's just too scary to think about doing it alone.

I fear any large gathering of people - be it party or wedding or conference - for fear of not having anyone to talk to or anything interesting to say.

The list could go on....

I'm sure others share some of these fears… or maybe I am simply ‘bat crap crazy’ as Penny from The Big Bang Theory would say! Some fears I could explain away by saying I like routine and find comfort in consistency- there’s nothing wrong with that! And other fears I could say were legitimate self-preservation techniques for a chronically anxious person. But really, I don’t like living a life dictated by fear! I know that there are so many experiences I miss out on because of this subtle fear.

So at the beginning of January when most of the world are making resolutions, I joined a group of bloggers and others who are choosing something different: One Word. As the website says

“One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.”

Fearless.

Each day in 2013 - whatever I’m dealing with or making decisions about- I want to make conscious choices, brave choices. I want to bravely act where previously I might not have even tried.

I want to be fearless, knowing that my God is in all things. And that God longs for abundant life in and through me... out into the world.

Like last year (and others) I want to resolve at the beginning of 2013 to…. LIVE.

But I want to live fearlessly…. more bravely and intentionally than ever before.