Soundtrack for the year of Fearless....

If you've known me for a little while, you'll know how important music is to me. Music is such a vital part of how I heal and grow and have fun.

So I thought I'd share with you the top songs that have seen me through 2013 and the year of living fearlessly.

#1 Brave - Sara Bareilles

This song became our house anthem a couple of months ago. It has been played very loud, on repeat for hours. My two lovely housemates and I have all had a challenging year.... we shared the same common experience of daring to speak out in our old community and ended up being ostracised for it. Enough said. This song reminds us to keep going...

#2 This is not the end - Gungor

This is not the end
This is not the end of us
We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

During one of the darkest, longest weekends this past year, when my dear friends life was falling apart, I heard this song. I had been listening to the album 'Ghosts Upon The Earth' for a few months but it was at that particular time and space that this song leaped out at me. It gave me the hope to keep hoping and the words to keep praying over my friend. 
When I am fearful of the present, I know this is not the end. 
You can check out some of Lisa Gungor's reflections on this song here.

#3 Everything Will Change - Derek Webb
Derek Webb is probably the most fearless artist and musician whose work I follow.
His 2013 offering 'I was wrong, I'm sorry & I love you' was no exception.

It was like these lyrics were written directly for me. Derek calls this his protest song against cynicism. And that is something I have definitely needed this year!

#4 I was wrong, I'm sorry and I love you - Derek Webb

One of the biggest lessons I learnt in 2013 was the importance of humility and grace in relationship. Its seems an obvious one.... but I've discovered it doesn't always come naturally or easy (imagine that!?).
I think that is why I love this song so much. It recognises that often the most freeing thing we can do is to own our mistakes. The most Christ-like examples I have witnessed in relationship are those who are knowledgable and yet willing to name what they do not know. That is being fearless in our culture.

#5 A little bit of love - Katie Herzig 

When my two lovely friends and I moved into our new house in September we called it maison de l'amour. After the pain we had been through together in our previous house, we wanted a new chapter, we wanted to be defined by love. Because of all the unlovely things that I witnessed this year... I decided this was the perfect (unofficial) anthem for our new little home.

#6 Every teardrop is a waterfall - Coldplay

This song just makes me want to dance.... and sometimes that's just what we need to gather the courage and energy to keep moving through life.
I remember attending a rooftop party at my old house earlier this year. My friends and I had this song playing loud and I sung out the words "So you can hurt, hurt me bad/But still I'll raise the flag" on top of that home that had beautiful and painful memories. That night I wanted to reclaim my strength in spite of the pain caused by my church. It was a beautiful, albeit bitterweet, moment.

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And incidentally, I think this soundtrack will continue to be important as I embrace a year of Brave. But more about that in the next few days...

I Spy Beauty...

a weekly (sometimes) post of beauty seen, heard or discovered

It's been a musical kind of week....

• Derek Webb released his new album 'Ctrl'

I never cease to be amazed by Derek's creativity and innovation with his music. When he first started to veer away from the acoustic guitar-and-voice sound a few years back I was admittedly wary. But with the strength of his lyrical convictions and voice it's hard not to follow and fall in love with new sounds too.
Ctrl is both simple and complex, beautiful and haunting. And as always, his lyrics are thought provoking and convicting.... The very reason I love Derek Webb's work.

• Not so new is Regina Spektor's latest album 'What We Saw From the Cheap Seats', which I finally purchased this week.

Known for her vocal acrobatics and quirky style mixed with classical piano... this album does not disappoint! Neither do Regina's poetic lyrics.... from "there's a small town in my mind" to "the piano is not firewood yet" to "you love 'em till they can't recall who they are again".
Also, her story is pretty interesting- her family fled eastern Europe in the 80's as Jewish refugees (you can hear about it here.)

•  I also finally got The Avett Brothers album 'I and Love and You'.

"There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print, they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black, and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it"

What more can I say?! The whole album is brilliant.....

• And finally, I once again got to see Katie Herzig and Butterfly Boucher live in Sydney.

And I even got to meet Katie briefly and thank her for the gift her music has been. There's nothing like seeing your favourite songs live.

So much beautiful art to behold....

I Spy Beauty...

A weekly post of beauty seen heard or discovered

"What if the closest I get to the moment is now"

It is a haunting question that Katie Herzig poses in her beautiful song 'The Closest I Get'.

Last Saturday I spent the day with some of the dearest people in my world- William, Sascha and Vivienne (and their lovely parents!) They are aged five, two and a half and one, respectively. I love them like they are my own children. And now that I live an hour away I don't get to see them anywhere near as much as I would like.
As I was preparing for Will's 5th birthday party and playing with them, I caught myself feeling sad at what I am missing out on, how much they are growing between visits, and the fact that at some point that evening I would have to leave them.
(And if I'm to be brutally honest, I was also feeling emotional about whether I will ever have the blessing of my own family.)
Then in a moment as I was sitting on the floor cuddling a giggling and happy Vivienne, I was struck with an epiphany- by being sad and sorry for myself I was missing the moment!
Here I was with a precious little human who wanted to play with me and I was somewhere else.
And Katie Herzig's song came to mind... "what if the closest I get to the moment is now?"
What if I miss the joy and beauty of a child's love and play because I am too caught up in myself?
It was still hard to kiss them goodnight and tuck them into bed later that night knowing I wouldn't be there in the morning, but I experienced all the rest of the evening's moments as best I could.

Watch Katie's song...
 

Beautiful moments of 2011

At the start of the year I wrote about not making too many plans or goals because life will inevitably get in the way.

“Perhaps in reflecting on the year that’s been and planning for the year ahead I should focus more on my hopes and dreams, my ability to grow and adapt and transform the way I see myself and the world and the God who created it all. I’m not sure yet how to achieve this... But I’d like to resolve to LIVE more, to see beauty, seek justice, be intentional in my relationships, be creative... and when unexpected things come along to embrace them, experience and grow through them.”

I didn't know how prophetic that was! In May/June this year I was blind-sided by the worst episode of Major Depression I've ever experienced. I came to the precipice of a nervous breakdown and it has taken the rest of the year to crawl back from the ledge.
But in some moment of “sanity”, I vowed to seek out and enjoy any moment or glimpse of beauty I could as a means of survival.
So instead of a ‘Top Ten of 2011’-type list I’m just going to mention some of the top beautiful things I heard, read or seen this year...

Music
Music is always my best medicine. Music has always held a profound place in my life, especially during my mental illness. So here’s the most influential from this year...

The Waking Sleep by Katie Herzig
If this was a Top Ten list, number one is the only position I’d be certain of – this album. This album is hauntingly beautiful, heartbreaking, childish fun and just plain stunning – both lyrically and musically. Who could go past such beautiful lines as... “my faith lies between daises and pews” (from Daises and Pews) This album has breathed hope and life into my heart every day since it was released in September.
And check out this super fun video of the first single “Free My Mind”

Vice Verses by Switchfoot
You know those albums you hear and you think they were written exactly for you in that particular moment of time?
Vice Verses was written about my life this year.
I wish I could have written the song Thrive: “No I’m not alright/I know that I’m not right/Feels like I travel but never arrive/I want to thrive not just survive”. And I think this album rivals The Beautiful Letdown as Switchfoot’s finest work.

Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars
The moment you hear the harmonious vocals of John Paul White and Joy Williams I’m certain you will be mesmerised, just like I was. The stunning simplicity of this album is phenomenal. In my opinion, there is definitely a good reason why this self made, indie duo from Nashville has become one of the most acclaimed acts of 2011 across the world.
Check out this beautiful single “Poison and Wine”

People and Things by Jack’s Mannequin
I always seem to find something inherently hopeful about Andrew McMahon’s (aka Jack’s Mannequin) piano driven music, regardless of the lyrics or content of the songs.
I mean who’d have thought you could make a song entitled “Hey Hey Hey (We’re all gonna die)” sound so good?!

Invisible Empires by Sara Groves
Sara Groves has a consistent spot in my playlist. I think it’s because her lyrics always touch me, challenge and inspire me, regardless of how mediocre or brilliant the album is. This year was no different. She puts beautiful words and heart to the doubts and mysteries of our faith.... and I’m very grateful.

Other artists who have had top places in my playlist this year: Matthew Perryman Jones, Mumford & Sons, Amy Kuney, Brooke Waggoner, Wakey! Wakey! and Butterfly Boucher.

Words
Reading for enjoyment has largely gone by the wayside this year, mainly because it’s not really enjoyable! My concentration, especially at the worst of times is appalling, so taking three months to read something is a bit of a drag!
I have found a lot of solace in poetry.
This year I’ve discovered the work of both Wendell Berry and Mary Oliver. Both of them have unique ways of revealing the messy beauty of humanity and nature. I have found great comfort in their poetic voices.

The most phenomenal writer I have come into contact with this year is Colombian Ingrid Betancourt. She was one of the keynote speakers at Sydney’s Writers Festival in May. Considering Ingrid spent seven years in the Colombian jungle as a hostage of FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) this woman is definitely one of the most graceful, peaceful and brave women I have ever met. The way she speaks of experiences and choosing to live our best in the darkness was incredibly moving. I’m still attempting to work my way through her incredible (and huge) memoir “Even Silence Has An End”.

In a very dark year there has been many beautiful moments; small and large. And I’m particularly grateful for the eyes to see them.
As Anne Lamott says: “Hope begins in the dark. You wait and watch and work and don’t give up.” That’s how I’m going to end 2011.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!