The year of living... Jealously?!

A few days ago a dear and talented friend told me about her current plans post graduation this year. I was taken by surprise- it is a gutsy and bold move that she's thinking on. One which will take her on many adventures.

And I started to get a bit sad (or cranky, I'm not really sure).

Part of the conversation went something like this:

Me: Why does everyone have to make all these big plans and leave me in boring old Sydney.
Friend: Sorry, but I like change.
Me: I HATE change. I run full tilt in the opposite direction from anything remotely change-like.

Later, I was thinking about my reaction and current penchant for self-pity about my situation (30, single, still no BA, negligible savings and a too-vague plan about becoming a writer).

The epiphany: I'm jealous!

Not of this specific friend, I wouldn't dare attempt what she is thinking of doing. But if I'm honest, the sadness I get when hearing about friends adventures, accomplishments, travels etc is just a little bit of jealousy. (Just for the record, I am also happy for and proud of my friends!)

I've been struggling with and thinking a lot lately about the zig-zaggy pattern of my young adult life. The disappointment I feel. The comparisons I continually make between my own twenties and that of friends taking more logical, straightforward paths. So many of my plans were waylaid by illness, crisis' and pains.

That's a lot of time thinking and a not a lot of time living!

And it doesn't really fit in with my word for 2013: fearless.

When I chose that word in January I knew what I was getting myself in for. I knew my fear and the way it can numb me to the point of inaction. And yet the first few months of this year have been so unsettling and difficult that being or doing something new (or brave) has seemed impossible.

And this thought reminded of something Sarah Bessey, one of my favourite bloggers, said on facebook earlier this year:

Yes, I have some hard work to do when it comes to achieving my goals, overcoming my tendencies to fear and accepting my own story. But Sarah challenges me to be mindful of the present, and to be present.

Which also reminds me of a Sara Groves song (what a surprise!), I Just Showed Up For My Own Life:

I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
Copyright Sara Groves & Joel Hanson from the album Add to the Beauty

In order to 'work' at being fearless, I must first show up. I must seek, in this day, to love and show grace, to find beauty in the everyday and be mindful.

So, the cure for my jealousy.... Live my own life! Not particularly profound, I know. But an important lesson I'll probably be learning everyday for quite a while.

It is already looking a bit brighter.

I Spy Beauty...

a weekly (sometimes) post of beauty seen, heard or discovered

"We are pressed but not crushed, perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned
We are no longer slaves, we are daughters and sons
And when we are weak, we are very strong
And neither death, nor life, nor present, nor future, nor depth, nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ"

from The Word by Sara Groves

It's been one of THOSE weeks. And by that I mean a very, very sucky (for want of profanity) one.
And the beauty is, that while your friends are also having sucky weeks, somehow you can manage to encourage one another.

On a road trip Sunday afternoon my two friends and I began to talk about our current struggles. And about the things we have been finding comfort in. One friend reminded me of this beautiful bridge from Sara Groves’ song The Word. Such a strong statement of hope and faith and courage!
I pointed to 2 Corinthians 4 (part of the inspiration of the lyrics.) This passage has been such a big part of my faith journey… always an encouragement. It is a reminder of the essence of the gospel- brokenness and redemption. As we barrelled along the freeway, my friend read the whole chapter aloud to us….

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.....

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-12, 16-18 (TNIV)

I have been reminded in the last few days of the capacity of pain and conflict and struggle to draw us closer to each other and closer to God. It is in the very brokenness we so struggle with that God meets us most fully.

If we give ourselves over to the work of God in our lives, whether it be through pain or blessing, we are transformed. We overcome. We can become beautiful. What hope!

“We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.” 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 (MSG, emphasis mine)

I Spy Beauty...

a weekly (sometimes) post of beauty seen, heard or discovered

It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth,
To touch their harps of gold:
"Peace on the earth, goodwill to men
From heavens all gracious King!"
The world in solemn stillness lay
To hear the angels, to hear them sing

O ye beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps so slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels, hear them sing

"Peace on earth, goodwill to men
From heavens all gracious King!"
The world in solemn stillness lay
To hear the angels, hear them sing
Sing - Sing - Sing - Sing

Still through the broken skies they come,
With peaceful wings unfurled;
And still their heavenly music floats
O'er all the weary world;
Above its sad and lowly plains
They bend on hovering wing,
And ever o'er Babel sounds
The blessed angels, the blessed angels sing.

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
Edmund Hamilton Sears
Arrangement by Sara Groves

I'm not a big fan of Christmas. More often than not, this time of year brings feelings of anxiety, stress, loneliness, dysfunction and despondency. I know I am not alone in this. So usually by this time (two days after Christmas), having survived disappointments or unmet expectations, the obligations, the hype and stress of preparations, I finally begin to rest and try to see clearly again; to reflect. 

Don't get me wrong, I have some beautiful memories of Christmas.... celebrating in Africa as a child with a Wattle tree as our 'Christmas tree'; watching my two nephews experience their first Christmases; learning and singing carols with my Grandma; baking sweet treats for family and friends.

The old hymn It Came Upon A Midnight Clear has become a special song the last two Christmases. This time last year I was still coming out of the darkest, bleakest period of my life.... I was still struggling to make sense of the pain and difficulty life had dealt me. In amongst this, I heard Sara Groves 'O Holy Night Prison Show'. It was unusual, but absolutely stunning and moving. The first time I listened I had tears in my eyes.... especially when she started to introduce this hymn. Sara spoke to a crowd of women in prison and reminded them that the angels didn't just come once thousands of years ago, but come everyday, with the same message of peace, hope and love for ALL of us. I had never really taken much notice of the promise the words contained. But as she begun singing the second verse, I knew this hymn was for me.

Despite my difficulties celebrating Christmas, I am reminded that it is the best time of year to celebrate the grace and hope that come through Jesus. It is precisely into the difficulty that Jesus comes.... to redeem the chaos, to make something beautiful out of the mess. We might be weary and our steps may be painful, but we can rest it the joy of knowing that all that pain can be redeemed so that we can sing with the angels as well.

If you want to try and redeem Christmas out of the chaos, take some time out to listen to this song and marvel in the beauty of Gods promises to us....

(you can hear a copy of the song here, just ignore the random images.)

I Spy Beauty...

A weekly post of beauty seen, heard or discovered

This week has been a bit ordinary. And sometimes I find it hard to see God and beauty and time in the ordinary.

But I keep coming back to some words in Sara Grove's new song, 'Precious Again'.

"Promise that just when love grows cold
You'll make it precious...
Press mud with holy fingers
Light the ineffable
Fused in the ordinary
So much to wonder..."(copyright 2011 Sara Groves Music)

The 'ordinary' around us is laden with beauty if we have eyes to see it. I believe God speaks to us through the ordinary just as much as the extraordinary- Jesus certainly did.

May we have eyes to see the BEAUTY and take it in.

Check out the full song 'Precious Again'.

And Sara's commentary on the story behind the song.

Beautiful moments of 2011

At the start of the year I wrote about not making too many plans or goals because life will inevitably get in the way.

“Perhaps in reflecting on the year that’s been and planning for the year ahead I should focus more on my hopes and dreams, my ability to grow and adapt and transform the way I see myself and the world and the God who created it all. I’m not sure yet how to achieve this... But I’d like to resolve to LIVE more, to see beauty, seek justice, be intentional in my relationships, be creative... and when unexpected things come along to embrace them, experience and grow through them.”

I didn't know how prophetic that was! In May/June this year I was blind-sided by the worst episode of Major Depression I've ever experienced. I came to the precipice of a nervous breakdown and it has taken the rest of the year to crawl back from the ledge.
But in some moment of “sanity”, I vowed to seek out and enjoy any moment or glimpse of beauty I could as a means of survival.
So instead of a ‘Top Ten of 2011’-type list I’m just going to mention some of the top beautiful things I heard, read or seen this year...

Music
Music is always my best medicine. Music has always held a profound place in my life, especially during my mental illness. So here’s the most influential from this year...

The Waking Sleep by Katie Herzig
If this was a Top Ten list, number one is the only position I’d be certain of – this album. This album is hauntingly beautiful, heartbreaking, childish fun and just plain stunning – both lyrically and musically. Who could go past such beautiful lines as... “my faith lies between daises and pews” (from Daises and Pews) This album has breathed hope and life into my heart every day since it was released in September.
And check out this super fun video of the first single “Free My Mind”

Vice Verses by Switchfoot
You know those albums you hear and you think they were written exactly for you in that particular moment of time?
Vice Verses was written about my life this year.
I wish I could have written the song Thrive: “No I’m not alright/I know that I’m not right/Feels like I travel but never arrive/I want to thrive not just survive”. And I think this album rivals The Beautiful Letdown as Switchfoot’s finest work.

Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars
The moment you hear the harmonious vocals of John Paul White and Joy Williams I’m certain you will be mesmerised, just like I was. The stunning simplicity of this album is phenomenal. In my opinion, there is definitely a good reason why this self made, indie duo from Nashville has become one of the most acclaimed acts of 2011 across the world.
Check out this beautiful single “Poison and Wine”

People and Things by Jack’s Mannequin
I always seem to find something inherently hopeful about Andrew McMahon’s (aka Jack’s Mannequin) piano driven music, regardless of the lyrics or content of the songs.
I mean who’d have thought you could make a song entitled “Hey Hey Hey (We’re all gonna die)” sound so good?!

Invisible Empires by Sara Groves
Sara Groves has a consistent spot in my playlist. I think it’s because her lyrics always touch me, challenge and inspire me, regardless of how mediocre or brilliant the album is. This year was no different. She puts beautiful words and heart to the doubts and mysteries of our faith.... and I’m very grateful.

Other artists who have had top places in my playlist this year: Matthew Perryman Jones, Mumford & Sons, Amy Kuney, Brooke Waggoner, Wakey! Wakey! and Butterfly Boucher.

Words
Reading for enjoyment has largely gone by the wayside this year, mainly because it’s not really enjoyable! My concentration, especially at the worst of times is appalling, so taking three months to read something is a bit of a drag!
I have found a lot of solace in poetry.
This year I’ve discovered the work of both Wendell Berry and Mary Oliver. Both of them have unique ways of revealing the messy beauty of humanity and nature. I have found great comfort in their poetic voices.

The most phenomenal writer I have come into contact with this year is Colombian Ingrid Betancourt. She was one of the keynote speakers at Sydney’s Writers Festival in May. Considering Ingrid spent seven years in the Colombian jungle as a hostage of FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) this woman is definitely one of the most graceful, peaceful and brave women I have ever met. The way she speaks of experiences and choosing to live our best in the darkness was incredibly moving. I’m still attempting to work my way through her incredible (and huge) memoir “Even Silence Has An End”.

In a very dark year there has been many beautiful moments; small and large. And I’m particularly grateful for the eyes to see them.
As Anne Lamott says: “Hope begins in the dark. You wait and watch and work and don’t give up.” That’s how I’m going to end 2011.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!