Fearless

Yes, that is a Taylor Swift album/song. But no, that's not what I'm referring to.

Although come to think of it, I wouldn't mind being brave enough to "dance in a storm in my best dress - Fearless" (Taylor Swift, 'Fearless').

Fearless.

One word for 2013. My word for 2013.

I've realised recently how much I live in fear. Not that heightened senses, survival-instinct type fear, but rather an insidious, ingrained fear that dictates how I think and move in this world. A fear I hadn't realised pervaded so much of my thoughts and choices.

I don't deal well with change; I fear it.

I don't try new things very often. (Even rather pathetic 'new things' such as different food or different places to visit!)

I can't remember the last time I danced where anyone else could see me. For fear of... I'm not really sure what.

I tell people that I have no desire to travel. But really I do, it's just too scary to think about doing it alone.

I fear any large gathering of people - be it party or wedding or conference - for fear of not having anyone to talk to or anything interesting to say.

The list could go on....

I'm sure others share some of these fears… or maybe I am simply ‘bat crap crazy’ as Penny from The Big Bang Theory would say! Some fears I could explain away by saying I like routine and find comfort in consistency- there’s nothing wrong with that! And other fears I could say were legitimate self-preservation techniques for a chronically anxious person. But really, I don’t like living a life dictated by fear! I know that there are so many experiences I miss out on because of this subtle fear.

So at the beginning of January when most of the world are making resolutions, I joined a group of bloggers and others who are choosing something different: One Word. As the website says

“One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.”

Fearless.

Each day in 2013 - whatever I’m dealing with or making decisions about- I want to make conscious choices, brave choices. I want to bravely act where previously I might not have even tried.

I want to be fearless, knowing that my God is in all things. And that God longs for abundant life in and through me... out into the world.

Like last year (and others) I want to resolve at the beginning of 2013 to…. LIVE.

But I want to live fearlessly…. more bravely and intentionally than ever before.

Beautiful moments of 2011

At the start of the year I wrote about not making too many plans or goals because life will inevitably get in the way.

“Perhaps in reflecting on the year that’s been and planning for the year ahead I should focus more on my hopes and dreams, my ability to grow and adapt and transform the way I see myself and the world and the God who created it all. I’m not sure yet how to achieve this... But I’d like to resolve to LIVE more, to see beauty, seek justice, be intentional in my relationships, be creative... and when unexpected things come along to embrace them, experience and grow through them.”

I didn't know how prophetic that was! In May/June this year I was blind-sided by the worst episode of Major Depression I've ever experienced. I came to the precipice of a nervous breakdown and it has taken the rest of the year to crawl back from the ledge.
But in some moment of “sanity”, I vowed to seek out and enjoy any moment or glimpse of beauty I could as a means of survival.
So instead of a ‘Top Ten of 2011’-type list I’m just going to mention some of the top beautiful things I heard, read or seen this year...

Music
Music is always my best medicine. Music has always held a profound place in my life, especially during my mental illness. So here’s the most influential from this year...

The Waking Sleep by Katie Herzig
If this was a Top Ten list, number one is the only position I’d be certain of – this album. This album is hauntingly beautiful, heartbreaking, childish fun and just plain stunning – both lyrically and musically. Who could go past such beautiful lines as... “my faith lies between daises and pews” (from Daises and Pews) This album has breathed hope and life into my heart every day since it was released in September.
And check out this super fun video of the first single “Free My Mind”

Vice Verses by Switchfoot
You know those albums you hear and you think they were written exactly for you in that particular moment of time?
Vice Verses was written about my life this year.
I wish I could have written the song Thrive: “No I’m not alright/I know that I’m not right/Feels like I travel but never arrive/I want to thrive not just survive”. And I think this album rivals The Beautiful Letdown as Switchfoot’s finest work.

Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars
The moment you hear the harmonious vocals of John Paul White and Joy Williams I’m certain you will be mesmerised, just like I was. The stunning simplicity of this album is phenomenal. In my opinion, there is definitely a good reason why this self made, indie duo from Nashville has become one of the most acclaimed acts of 2011 across the world.
Check out this beautiful single “Poison and Wine”

People and Things by Jack’s Mannequin
I always seem to find something inherently hopeful about Andrew McMahon’s (aka Jack’s Mannequin) piano driven music, regardless of the lyrics or content of the songs.
I mean who’d have thought you could make a song entitled “Hey Hey Hey (We’re all gonna die)” sound so good?!

Invisible Empires by Sara Groves
Sara Groves has a consistent spot in my playlist. I think it’s because her lyrics always touch me, challenge and inspire me, regardless of how mediocre or brilliant the album is. This year was no different. She puts beautiful words and heart to the doubts and mysteries of our faith.... and I’m very grateful.

Other artists who have had top places in my playlist this year: Matthew Perryman Jones, Mumford & Sons, Amy Kuney, Brooke Waggoner, Wakey! Wakey! and Butterfly Boucher.

Words
Reading for enjoyment has largely gone by the wayside this year, mainly because it’s not really enjoyable! My concentration, especially at the worst of times is appalling, so taking three months to read something is a bit of a drag!
I have found a lot of solace in poetry.
This year I’ve discovered the work of both Wendell Berry and Mary Oliver. Both of them have unique ways of revealing the messy beauty of humanity and nature. I have found great comfort in their poetic voices.

The most phenomenal writer I have come into contact with this year is Colombian Ingrid Betancourt. She was one of the keynote speakers at Sydney’s Writers Festival in May. Considering Ingrid spent seven years in the Colombian jungle as a hostage of FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) this woman is definitely one of the most graceful, peaceful and brave women I have ever met. The way she speaks of experiences and choosing to live our best in the darkness was incredibly moving. I’m still attempting to work my way through her incredible (and huge) memoir “Even Silence Has An End”.

In a very dark year there has been many beautiful moments; small and large. And I’m particularly grateful for the eyes to see them.
As Anne Lamott says: “Hope begins in the dark. You wait and watch and work and don’t give up.” That’s how I’m going to end 2011.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!